How to be a GM and Piss Off Your Friends

After the game designer is done with his fun. The next person to make an RPG work is the game master. Now, some games give the position a different name. That’s just game designers trying to be cool. Game Master is the proper title. It is your universe. Your domain. And you are its master.
The first thing you have to remember is that it is your game. It’s your role to let the players know how smart, talented, creative and god-like you really are. The first step is read the rules thoroughly, then change them. Don’t ever consult with the players. They don’t need to know until the middle of combat.
Players will demand that they make their own characters. Don’t let them. You can’t trust players. They fudge die rolls, use fuzzy math when allocating points and use the rules to make effective characters. Encourage the newest and dumbest player to be the most complex and rules heavy character possible. Always ensure the player characters are balanced and inept and your NPC’s are min-maxed and more powerful than the player characters. If things get really out of hand, change game systems and do the character conversions yourself.
A truly lucky GM will have a significant other involved in the game. This is a prefect means to show all the players you’re massive coolness and assert your status once again. You should always let your S.O. bend the rules especially during character generation. So what if she’s the only half-demon, half-elf assassin sorceress in the land. She’s your girl and with a few choice magic items. She’ll be yours forever. Don’t forget to give out extra XP for those “private” role playing sessions.
Once you have asserted you dominance over the players, don’t let up. If they get any crazy ideas about deviating from your well crafted storyline beat them back on track. If that fails, kill them. The characters, not the players. Only those who stick to the story should be rewarded. If the players continue insisting that they go their own way, then let them go off to their doom. Let them ruin your story. Bring the world crashing down around their ears. And bitch like a PMS’ing cheerleader the whole time. It’s all their fault things went to crap. Make sure they never forget that.
Remember, it’s not cheating if you’re the GM. It’s improvising.